OCDD: Overweight Child Disruptive Disorder a.k.a "Fat Kid Syndrome"

I write to you from the comfort of my living room couch. The time is roughly around the midnight hour and the air both inside and out is still and silent. The sound of the distant dog barking brings me back to a time when I was a child of about eight or so. Elementary school was my prison and the multiplication tables were my equivalent of pressing license plates, and yet I can't seem to shake off this rather soft and greasy thought. Quite frankly, I smell a ham and cheese sandwich and a frozen corn dog as this memory consumes my frontal lobe. This feeling, the laugh, the cackle, the teasing and jeering of that one entity I am quite certain everyone has encountered during their primary school episode....

The Fat Kid Menace

I am going to cut straight to the chase. I am talking about the fat kid in class that thought he was the hottest, coolest, and funniest kid in the world. This is the kid that was a real pain in the ass. The same kid you can tell is the way he is because of poor parenting and junk food. GENETICS MY ASS!!! The annoying fat kid is fat because of outside (or perhaps inside) forces. Lets be for real...his parents give him junk food, he plays video games all day, his hair is greasy, he always wears the same clothes, he thinks he is funny, doesn't know when to shut up and when he is told to do so, he doesn't listen and tries to turn it into a joke. Does this all ring a bell? Well fret not because this is a classic case of OCDD (Overweight Child Disruptive Disorder) or more commonly known as "Fat Kid Syndrome." Below I am going to go through a few of the signs to watch out for so perhaps you can figure out if your local fatty has OCDD.

The Cheap Shot Munch n' Crunch

-Ever sit down at lunch and open your lunchbox to see what mom packed you?

"Oh man! A cheese sandwich and an apple. What a rip! The apple even has a brown spot. GROSS!"

That's when you look up and sitting directly across from you is little(if you can call him that) Derek, and it seems his mom packed him enough food to feed a small army. What a lucky boy! After all, growing boys need to eat to become big and strong one day, right? You stare as he begins to unpack his lunch. A Lunchables, 3 bags of Doritos, a box of Gushers, those little cracker stick and cheese packs along with a plethora of other high fructose corn syrup laden munchies and sodium infused tasties. 

"Is he really gonna eat all of that? What a champ!!! Maybe I can ask him for one of his bags of Doritos" you begin to think but before you can even ask, he caught you eying his chow and says "NO!" You look at him with eyes that scream "FAT ASS" and begin eating your lunch. He then does something unforgivable. Something so sinister that Pope John Paul the whatever number felt it in Rome. He begins to eat his Doritos one by one in your face...SLOWLY!!! Every crum ejected from his mouth due to his excessive crunching and laughing at you hits you in the face; so you get up to go to the bathroom and wash up. You then come back to find that your sandwich is gone! Derek laughs at you, gets up and throws out most of his uneaten food. What a dick. He barely ate any of it. Need I say anymore on this matter. Seems you have a fatty with OCDD.

Shut Up You Fat Fuck!

-Seems our pal Derek is at it again. Your mom threw you a surprise birthday party and has invited all of the kids from your class....including powder puff Derek. You have just finished blowing out the candles on your cake and opening your presents. You got a lot of cool things. Billy got you a new skateboard and Ricky got you a rare issue of your favorite comic. It also seems that the crush of your life Lydia gave you a secret note with hearts drawn all over it. Oh man, what a great day! But you get to Derek's present and find that its a shoe box and inside is the crust from the sandwich he stole from you the other day. You weren't expecting much from him anyway so you toss it aside and forget about it. Before long, you begin to talk with your friends and it so happens Lydia is wandering by and joins in and stands close to you....REALLY CLOSE!!! This day can't get any better! However, it seems there is a rather "large" rain cloud here at your party who likes to rain all over everything. Derek comes on by and begins to poke fun at everyone and attempt to tell jokes. No one seems to be paying him mind so he tries another ploy to get attention. He begins repeating everything you say which for awhile is gone un-noticed but soon gets old. You tell him to stop and go away and that is when he noticed you and Lydia standing close. All hell breaks loose and he begins to scream "YOU LOVE LYDIA, YOU WANT TO KISS LYDIA!" He then proceeds to make these obnoxious noises in your face that reminded you of an autistic Pterydactyl. All you wanted to do was scream at him to SHUT THE FUCK UP!!! Once again...OOCD!!!

Cloudy With A Chance Of Cholesterol!

-You and Derek "luckily" landed detention together. It is a rainy day and all of your classmates are in a  school assembly about exotic animals. You had even heard that the animal guy brought in a HUGE snake and an alligator. However, you are stuck in a class room with no one but Derek who managed to somehow get his hands on an entire jar of mayonnaise and has proceeded to devour its innards all while making these gorilla/troll noises. Has he gained weight? What a damn slob. No more needs to be said about this sad scenario except....OOCD!!!

If you find that these healthy blurbs sound somewhat familiar or you have seen your rather unhealthy classmate in situations all the while pissing you off, you might have a fatty with O.O.C.D. please be advised that feeling sorry for these lost souls is permitted......JUST KIDDING....they made your life hell so they get what they deserve. 

If you are a fatty reading this, please learn from these tomes. When you think your being funny, your not. If people tell you your obnoxious, your are. If you find that the people around you have a face of disgust and or annoyance, you should probably stop whatever you are doing because chances are that is the only way to make others feel somewhat better about being in your company. 

With deepest sympathy to those not bound by excessive tissues,

                                                      -Jeremy

Ignorance

Before I even go on with this post, I would like to take a moment to explain to some of the readers out there what the word "Ignorance" or "Ignorant" means and yes, they are both the same word. Let us see a definition...

"Ignorance: Pronunciation: \ˈig-n(ə-)rən(t)s\: the state or fact of being ignorant: lack of knowledge, education, awareness." Some examples of ignorant people include but are not limited to George Bush, Barack Obama, Keanu Reeves, Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton, Michael Jackson(yeah, I went there), O.J Simpson, Dakota Fanning, Miley Cyrus and her hick father, The Teletubbies(HOLY SHIT ARE THE TELETUBBIES FUCKING IGNORANT AND DOWN RIGHT STUPID!!!!!)

The truth is people, we are all ignorant to some extent. No one person knows everything about everything, unless your God or Morgan Freeman(some people will get this innuendo, some won't! Its ok! Some of us still live under a rock or are too Evangelical to take a joke because we all know how those Evangelicals are...Once they are set in their ways, they always think they are right ABOUT EVERYTHING or that something is trying to force evil onto people). They think Harry Potter is evil because they say a few spells that are most likely fake. Its not Satan trying get to the youth. When have you heard of a kid becoming evil from reading Harry Potter??? well here is my response to that-----> ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!!! YOU PEOPLE WILL SAY ANYTHING IS EVIL BECAUSE IT DOESN'T SAY BIBLE IN IT. **NEWS FLASH**: THE BIBLE WAS WRITTEN BY MEN. ITS A HISTORY BOOK. YOU KNOW HOW MANY TIMES IT WAS PROBABLY REVISED BY THE VATICAN TO SUIT THEIR NEEDS, BUT YOU WILL JUST SAY "OH HEAVENS NO, THERE HAS BEEN RESEARCH STATING IT HASN'T BEEN CHANGED!!!" AND LIKE THE IGNORANT PEOPLE YOU ARE, YOU WILL BELIEVE THAT. OUR OWN GOVERNMENT LIES TO US! i'M SURE ITS NOT HARD FOR THE VATICAN EITHER BUT THAT'S ANOTHER RANT FOR ANOTHER TIME!

Anyway, another thing that gets me is people views on music. I know people who don't like specific music because some they hate likes it or because it doesn't talk about a specific topic they want to hear about. People like that make me want to take a soldering tool and press it against their forehead and carve "I may be_____(insert age over 19), but I act like a 1st grader!" ITS FUCKING MUSIC!!! ITS ALWAYS CHANGING AND ITS HOW THAT ARTIST EXPRESSES THEMSELVES!!! IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT, THAT'S FINE BUT DON'T BE A FUCKING BABY ABOUT IT...."IT REMINDS ME OF THAT PERSON I HATE!"--------BOO HOO HOO, STOP BEING A FUCKING DRAMA QUEEN SHIT-FOR-BRAINS AND GO JUMP IN A POOL FILLED WITH SHARDS OF GLASS!!! CHANCES ARE WHOEVER YOUR COMPLAINING TO ISN'T EVEN LISTENING TO THE SUBSTANDARD GARBAGE FALLING OUT OF YOUR FACE-HOLE!!! GROW THE FUCK UP!!! I'M DONE HERE!!! THIS RANT IS SOMETHING I FEEL VERY STRONGLY TOWARDS AND ITS THESE KIND OF PEOPLE WHO ARE DESTROYING THE MUSIC INDUSTRY, RELIGIOUS ORGANIZATIONS AND THE PEOPLE AROUND THEM BY NOT BEING ADULTS AND GIVING THINGS A CHANCE OR LOOKING AT EVERYTHING FROM A DIFFERENT PERSPECTIVE. SO TO THOSE MESSING UP THE WORLD WITH THERE BASE BABBLE...EAT SHIT AND DIE!!!!
 
 

Absent Minded Individuals!

Okay, here is something EVERYBODY can relate to. ABSENT MINDED INDIVIDUALS!!!!!! Now the picture here to the left clearly has a blonde girl. I am in now way bashing blondes...this picture just happen to be the lucky winner. But absent minded individuals piss me the hell off. I want you to think back to a time when someone said something to you and you responded to that statement with an "I no" or "I agree with you" and they said "You know what" or "What are you agreeing with?" AAAAHHHHGGGG seriously??? Its in that instatnt that you want to lash back with everything that you have and be like "YOU FUCKING IDIOT!!! I'M AGREEING WITH WHAT YOU JUST TOLD ME" and then you get a puzzled response or look from them. I know we all have our moments and if your shaking you head and saying "Well, I don't"....YOUR A FUCKING LIAR!!!! However, some people just make themselves look like airheads and then you tell them something and they get all pissed at you. Its at that moment that you reply with this comment so write it down so you don't forget it....Ready? Here it is: "Eat a sack of dicks mother fucker!" That statement can be applied to guys and girls alike and I can almost guarantee that will shut there mouth real quick. So to all you absent minded people out there...Just SHUT THE FUCK UP AND THINK BEFORE YOU ANSWER. It pisses me off so I know someone out there feels the same way I do. That's all I have to say about this. I will be back soon to talk about some other fallacy human beings have and abilities we don't posses.

Is Hookah worse than your cancer stick???

Ok...considering this is my first blog on this website, I'm going to touch upon an issue that can be considered serious to some but complete bullshit to others. As a warning, my language can and will be vulgar. If you are offended, please remember they are only letters cleverly assembled into words that were given a meaning by some dude eons ago. If he really wanted to, he could have made "Fuck" a good word and duckling a "bad" word. So please read this for its content, not its profanity.

Back to the topic at hand: Hookah!!! I've been hearing a lot of bitch ass people saying that Hookah is worse than cigarettes! Ok, listen up....cigarettes are fuckin gross and we can all agree on that, ya? They contain all sorts of nasty shit that can and will kill you in the future. Lets take a look at what is in them shall we:

1. Acetic Acid
2. Acetone-(ladies, you use that to get the paint shit off your nails)
3. Ammonia-(pretty self explanatory)
4. Arsenic-(remember that cult that drank the "Holy Punch" in French Guiana...and DIED)
5. Cadmium-(if your car battery didn't have this, it wouldn't work)
6. DDT-(Hey, you can smoke and kill insects at the same time!!!)
7. Ethanol-(plain and simple...Rubbing Alcohol)
8. Formaldehyde-(...and you can preserve your body before it dies too!!!)
9. Hydrogen Cyanide-(straight up poison)
10. Nicotine-(ITS A SCHEDULE 6 POISON PEOPLE)

Now I'm not telling you to stop smoking or anything. If you beautiful women want too look a hell of a lot older than you really are and cough up your lungs while trying to talk to a cute guy and think that's attractive and you Abercrombie faggots want to loose your flawless skin and replace your high pitched, take-it-in-the-ass voices with Ozzy Osbournes, then be my guest. The purpose of this is to show you that Hookah is not as bad as a cancer stick. Lets go over the ingredients in your typical, standard grade Hookah shisha:

1. Tobacco or Tea Leaves
2. Vegetable glycerin
3. Honey or Molasses
   
4. Artificial flavoring

Now granted, smoking ANYTHING isn't good for your body but shisha is like a walk in the park compared to cigarettes. For one, it doesn't contain any harmful additives IF you get the tobacco-free shisha. Tobacco itself contains nicotine because it is a naturally occurring chemical that is created in the plant. Two, you don't have to worry about tar buildup from shisha because of the temperature it "burns" at. It is scientifically proven that in order for tobacco to create tar, it must burn at 800 degrees Fahrenheit which a cigarette does. Shisha on the other hand doesn't burn, it bakes at a temperature of 250 to 300 degrees. Way to low to create tar of any kind and if you get the tobacco-free shisha, you don't even have to have any second thoughts because your smoking tea leaves. So don't listen to these uptight fuck faces from capitol hill cause they shouldn't be talking. Most of them probably smoke marijuana anyway. Moral of the story....its still not good but its a hell of a lot better than smoking the stuff your body is gonna be pumped with when you die so you don't stink up the fuckin funeral parlor with your decaying cadaver. Chances are you died from smoking cigarettes. Karma is a bitch in the end, isn't it? I'm done for now. I'll be back soon with more Rants and Raves.