OCDD: Overweight Child Disruptive Disorder a.k.a "Fat Kid Syndrome"

I write to you from the comfort of my living room couch. The time is roughly around the midnight hour and the air both inside and out is still and silent. The sound of the distant dog barking brings me back to a time when I was a child of about eight or so. Elementary school was my prison and the multiplication tables were my equivalent of pressing license plates, and yet I can't seem to shake off this rather soft and greasy thought. Quite frankly, I smell a ham and cheese sandwich and a frozen corn dog as this memory consumes my frontal lobe. This feeling, the laugh, the cackle, the teasing and jeering of that one entity I am quite certain everyone has encountered during their primary school episode....

The Fat Kid Menace

I am going to cut straight to the chase. I am talking about the fat kid in class that thought he was the hottest, coolest, and funniest kid in the world. This is the kid that was a real pain in the ass. The same kid you can tell is the way he is because of poor parenting and junk food. GENETICS MY ASS!!! The annoying fat kid is fat because of outside (or perhaps inside) forces. Lets be for real...his parents give him junk food, he plays video games all day, his hair is greasy, he always wears the same clothes, he thinks he is funny, doesn't know when to shut up and when he is told to do so, he doesn't listen and tries to turn it into a joke. Does this all ring a bell? Well fret not because this is a classic case of OCDD (Overweight Child Disruptive Disorder) or more commonly known as "Fat Kid Syndrome." Below I am going to go through a few of the signs to watch out for so perhaps you can figure out if your local fatty has OCDD.

The Cheap Shot Munch n' Crunch

-Ever sit down at lunch and open your lunchbox to see what mom packed you?

"Oh man! A cheese sandwich and an apple. What a rip! The apple even has a brown spot. GROSS!"

That's when you look up and sitting directly across from you is little(if you can call him that) Derek, and it seems his mom packed him enough food to feed a small army. What a lucky boy! After all, growing boys need to eat to become big and strong one day, right? You stare as he begins to unpack his lunch. A Lunchables, 3 bags of Doritos, a box of Gushers, those little cracker stick and cheese packs along with a plethora of other high fructose corn syrup laden munchies and sodium infused tasties. 

"Is he really gonna eat all of that? What a champ!!! Maybe I can ask him for one of his bags of Doritos" you begin to think but before you can even ask, he caught you eying his chow and says "NO!" You look at him with eyes that scream "FAT ASS" and begin eating your lunch. He then does something unforgivable. Something so sinister that Pope John Paul the whatever number felt it in Rome. He begins to eat his Doritos one by one in your face...SLOWLY!!! Every crum ejected from his mouth due to his excessive crunching and laughing at you hits you in the face; so you get up to go to the bathroom and wash up. You then come back to find that your sandwich is gone! Derek laughs at you, gets up and throws out most of his uneaten food. What a dick. He barely ate any of it. Need I say anymore on this matter. Seems you have a fatty with OCDD.

Shut Up You Fat Fuck!

-Seems our pal Derek is at it again. Your mom threw you a surprise birthday party and has invited all of the kids from your class....including powder puff Derek. You have just finished blowing out the candles on your cake and opening your presents. You got a lot of cool things. Billy got you a new skateboard and Ricky got you a rare issue of your favorite comic. It also seems that the crush of your life Lydia gave you a secret note with hearts drawn all over it. Oh man, what a great day! But you get to Derek's present and find that its a shoe box and inside is the crust from the sandwich he stole from you the other day. You weren't expecting much from him anyway so you toss it aside and forget about it. Before long, you begin to talk with your friends and it so happens Lydia is wandering by and joins in and stands close to you....REALLY CLOSE!!! This day can't get any better! However, it seems there is a rather "large" rain cloud here at your party who likes to rain all over everything. Derek comes on by and begins to poke fun at everyone and attempt to tell jokes. No one seems to be paying him mind so he tries another ploy to get attention. He begins repeating everything you say which for awhile is gone un-noticed but soon gets old. You tell him to stop and go away and that is when he noticed you and Lydia standing close. All hell breaks loose and he begins to scream "YOU LOVE LYDIA, YOU WANT TO KISS LYDIA!" He then proceeds to make these obnoxious noises in your face that reminded you of an autistic Pterydactyl. All you wanted to do was scream at him to SHUT THE FUCK UP!!! Once again...OOCD!!!

Cloudy With A Chance Of Cholesterol!

-You and Derek "luckily" landed detention together. It is a rainy day and all of your classmates are in a  school assembly about exotic animals. You had even heard that the animal guy brought in a HUGE snake and an alligator. However, you are stuck in a class room with no one but Derek who managed to somehow get his hands on an entire jar of mayonnaise and has proceeded to devour its innards all while making these gorilla/troll noises. Has he gained weight? What a damn slob. No more needs to be said about this sad scenario except....OOCD!!!

If you find that these healthy blurbs sound somewhat familiar or you have seen your rather unhealthy classmate in situations all the while pissing you off, you might have a fatty with O.O.C.D. please be advised that feeling sorry for these lost souls is permitted......JUST KIDDING....they made your life hell so they get what they deserve. 

If you are a fatty reading this, please learn from these tomes. When you think your being funny, your not. If people tell you your obnoxious, your are. If you find that the people around you have a face of disgust and or annoyance, you should probably stop whatever you are doing because chances are that is the only way to make others feel somewhat better about being in your company. 

With deepest sympathy to those not bound by excessive tissues,

                                                      -Jeremy